Did you choose me
Or did I choose you
Does the parent decide
Was it my choice too?
Did I tear up your dreams
Put aside all those plans
When I arrived in your life
No room for this lamb.
The timing was off
For you and for me
I didn't want
To be your baby.
I've been working it through
For a long while now
Not holding back
Turning it round.
But now and again
It comes back to haunt
That moment of birth
The start of it all.
It wasn't the best
But it is what it is
You did what was right
That's why I exist.
I love you so much
For standing by me
For taking me on
For letting me be.
It's tough in this game
There's ups and there's downs
You gave me a chance
I hope that you're proud
Of what I've become
Of the choices I make
For the life that I lead
The chances I take.
Now I've two of my own
I know what it means
To have greater hopes
To hold bigger dreams.
To feel deep love
And give it away
Without a want
No debt to repay.
I hold on tight
To the time that I have
And know that I'm loved
And feel very glad.
Friday, 24 February 2017
Poetry 3
Love me unconditionally that I may never want for love again.
Love all that is within me and without falter.
Love my skin, my bones and all that lies between,
My light, my dark, what you see and what you don't.
Love me inwardly and outwardly, privately and publicly,
The beating of my heart and the breathing of my soul.
Love me when I am right and when I am wrong,
Love my thinking, my dancing, my song.
Love me always and forever.
Love me unconditionally that I may never want for love again.
Love all that is within me and without falter.
Love my skin, my bones and all that lies between,
My light, my dark, what you see and what you don't.
Love me inwardly and outwardly, privately and publicly,
The beating of my heart and the breathing of my soul.
Love me when I am right and when I am wrong,
Love my thinking, my dancing, my song.
Love me always and forever.
Love me unconditionally that I may never want for love again.
Poetry 2
Tell me what I want. Tell me.
Put those thoughts into words
So I can understand
Process
Explain.
Tell me where I am. Tell me.
Help me feel the ground
Beneath my feet
And stand
Still.
Tell me who I am. Tell me.
Let me see what you see
So I can see
Me
Too.
Put those thoughts into words
So I can understand
Process
Explain.
Tell me where I am. Tell me.
Help me feel the ground
Beneath my feet
And stand
Still.
Tell me who I am. Tell me.
Let me see what you see
So I can see
Me
Too.
Poetry 1
Going through some interesting stuff at the moment and have been consumed by the need to write poetry for the first time ever in my life, so here it is:
Sometimes you have to draw a line
And make a list
The pros and cons
The rights and wrongs
What's yours, what's mine.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To create a divide
Between today and tomorrow
What's gone before
Connecting to now.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
Between two lives
Our past and the future
What we had
What we won't.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To define a time
Complete the process
End the hurt
Close it down.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To define the beginning
Start again
Find the time
Remember what's mine.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
And make a list
The pros and cons
The rights and wrongs
What's yours, what's mine.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To create a divide
Between today and tomorrow
What's gone before
Connecting to now.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
Between two lives
Our past and the future
What we had
What we won't.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To define a time
Complete the process
End the hurt
Close it down.
Sometimes you have to draw a line
To define the beginning
Start again
Find the time
Remember what's mine.
Saturday, 11 February 2017
Week 39
Frustratingly, there was an exercise to do this week when all I wanted to do was go and write about Frankie, however this is how I'm making progress, yes it is progress, so I'm sticking with it. Here goes......
Exercise 20 - write six lines of dialogue, two people three lines each. Discussing the refurbishment of a local library and communicate to your reader that they dislike each other intensely without them saying it outright.
Blimey, didn't fancy this at all but this is where it got to, let me know what you think...
A: "How can you possibly like the work they've done in the Fiction section, it's completely chaotic."
B: "Do you really think that? Oh no, I love the way it moves around, it's so fluid."
A: "Fluid, are you kidding me, what's with fluid? One of the objectives of a library is surely to enable people to find the books they are looking for, not to wander around in some vague hope of connecting the end of L to the beginning of M. I shouldn't be surprised though, you always do have a way of disagreeing with me."
B: "Oh please, don't be so paranoid. I was merely reflecting that I like it, I'm much more of a browser than you, waiting for a spark from a title or a cover to attract me to something new. How constraining to only look for books from a list and not be open to finding something you weren't looking for."
A: "Of course, complete misinterpretation of everything I say and so presumptuous that you could in anyway know me."
B: "You're overreacting, all I said was that I liked something you didn't, just my point of view, not some great statement that needs exclaiming about and embellishing into the latest drama. Like you said, complete misinterpretation."
Possibly a bit too obvious, very hard having homework with no-one to mark it......
Exercise 20 - write six lines of dialogue, two people three lines each. Discussing the refurbishment of a local library and communicate to your reader that they dislike each other intensely without them saying it outright.
Blimey, didn't fancy this at all but this is where it got to, let me know what you think...
A: "How can you possibly like the work they've done in the Fiction section, it's completely chaotic."
B: "Do you really think that? Oh no, I love the way it moves around, it's so fluid."
A: "Fluid, are you kidding me, what's with fluid? One of the objectives of a library is surely to enable people to find the books they are looking for, not to wander around in some vague hope of connecting the end of L to the beginning of M. I shouldn't be surprised though, you always do have a way of disagreeing with me."
B: "Oh please, don't be so paranoid. I was merely reflecting that I like it, I'm much more of a browser than you, waiting for a spark from a title or a cover to attract me to something new. How constraining to only look for books from a list and not be open to finding something you weren't looking for."
A: "Of course, complete misinterpretation of everything I say and so presumptuous that you could in anyway know me."
B: "You're overreacting, all I said was that I liked something you didn't, just my point of view, not some great statement that needs exclaiming about and embellishing into the latest drama. Like you said, complete misinterpretation."
Possibly a bit too obvious, very hard having homework with no-one to mark it......
Thursday, 2 February 2017
Week 38
I've only just noticed that there is a two year gap between week 36 and week 37. Two whole years, wow. I was busy mind, doing serious stuff and dealing with a lot of consequences. It feels like so long ago. I had a lovely moment this week with a friend that I've made recently at work, who'd just read my entire blog from beginning to end (yes, it only makes sense if you start at Week 0) and helped me remember how important it is to me. On driving home and thinking about it some more, I realised why I haven't written any of it for so long. When the story splits into two, I thought that I would be able to write both tracks at the same time but I can't. What I need to do is write the past first, at least the main bones of it. Which means I need to write a love story and writing that when my marriage was falling apart will have been impossible to consider never mind attempt. Now, however, is a different matter. Now, I know what I want a love story to feel like, to look like, to sound like. I want Frankie to sense the butterflies starting to grow, I want her to blush when Mac looks her way. I want her every waking moment to be full of anticipation, to hear her giggle ridiculously at nothing, to see her ponder at what might be. To fall in love, head over heels, be exasperating, unfathomable, happy, carefree. I want the reader to fall in love with her too, to see her at her best, to see her potential, to watch her grow. This is what I want to write next, this is how it will move forwards. I need to go back to the beginning, to where it all began, to find her anew and introduce her to the world. It feels like the gap was necessary, almost essential, we need to meet her for the first time. I need to meet her for the first time. She needs building, creating, defining. We need to meet our heroine, embrace all her hopes and dreams with the flaws and vulnerabilities of her youth. I need to build her up having forgotten how I brought her down, how she fell and crumbled. I thought I needed to go back and re-read what I'd already written about her but that's the last thing I need to do. Frankie, be prepared to be welcomed to the world, your story is about to begin....
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Week 37
Exercise 19: write a list of all the technical aspects that you find most challenging, then work your way through them, one by one, having a go at each. Do what you are most afraid of.
Given that I haven't written anything for over a year perhaps I should start from scratch and see what it's like just to write something. I have definitely lost my ability to write where I am and connect to self. Perhaps that would be a good start, to be honest, its probably much needed. Hey ho, here goes.....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table, coffee cup in hand, butterflies in my stomach. It's been quite a year. I have a new home, mostly furnished by the love of friends and have the feeling that I've been carried through 2016. I am now separated from my husband who has a new love in his life and I have a future ahead of me that is a completely clean sheet. It is constrained by nothing except my own limitations and it has changed so much from the one that I used to have. I love its blank openness, that it gets bigger each day as I open my eyes to what I can do, can become and achieve. What I love most is that I have no plans for my future, that I am open to what will be and that if I just do what I need to do now then the future will take care of itself.
My focus for next year is building a platform for my children. The life we have today is very different to the one that I had planned for them. I brought them into this world to be part of a happy, vibrant, busy household. To be surrounded by the love of family and friends, to be awash with a variety to role models, to experience life on its widest form. What we ended up with was very different. A broken marriage is a long time coming. Initially the cracks are contained at home, shared only with those we love the most, our children. We put on the faces of happiness and contentment with visitors to our home for a while. We continue to venture out to see others, carrying on the pretence that we are fine, until we stop inviting, stop calling. There's a time when we will still come to see you, allaying concerns that we haven't been in touch. Then we start to shut down, it becomes emails, texts, we don't see you. You know how it is, the children have so much on and work is busy. Meanwhile, we isolate and no longer have to pretend to anyone that anything is fine any longer. We become unable to do anything as a couple, as a family. We become ships that pass in the night, sleep on our own side of the bed. All through this, our children think this is normal. They have no comparison, no benchmark for a family, no understanding that our lack of, and abrupt, communication is not acceptable or appropriate. We have no strength to face into it, unable to work together, we have given up on ourselves and our family. It's a frightening place to find yourself, indeed where I found myself. Then came the realization that only I could change it, that the love of my life had long since given up on me and was consigned to this as his future. Today is not like this. The children and I live in a different house in which I am trying to create a new home. It has been and continues to be an uphill struggle. I am continually reminded that nobody wanted this to be their story, that it's hard, too much, all wrong. I have to hold onto hope, hold it tightly with both hands, remind myself constantly that I did the right thing, that we were broken beyond repair. I know that I have found a better place for myself, that I have remembered how to laugh, to smile. My children are seeing all of me now, which is sadly the bad as well as the good but is a whole person, doing their best. We are going to have a different future to the one that we had at the beginning of this year but eventually it will be a better one. We will learn, we will grow and we will do it together. I am looking ahead and getting us out again, seeing friends, spreading our wings. I have taken responsibility for my actions and the outcomes. I brought my children into this world to learn how to be themselves, to trust that the person they are is who they should become. If I'm not prepared to do this for myself then how will they learn, what hope do they have. The future is ours for the taking but we have to turn up for it.
None of this would have been possible without my recovery, without understanding and acceptance. Without love and gratitude for my past, present and future, based on a faith that gives me the courage and strength to face into each day. The butterflies are ever present but they are part of my transition, my truth. They are there because I can feel them, no longer suppressed into the dark recesses that exist deep within. I am so excited about 2017, a new year, a new future, a new tomorrow.
Given that I haven't written anything for over a year perhaps I should start from scratch and see what it's like just to write something. I have definitely lost my ability to write where I am and connect to self. Perhaps that would be a good start, to be honest, its probably much needed. Hey ho, here goes.....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table, coffee cup in hand, butterflies in my stomach. It's been quite a year. I have a new home, mostly furnished by the love of friends and have the feeling that I've been carried through 2016. I am now separated from my husband who has a new love in his life and I have a future ahead of me that is a completely clean sheet. It is constrained by nothing except my own limitations and it has changed so much from the one that I used to have. I love its blank openness, that it gets bigger each day as I open my eyes to what I can do, can become and achieve. What I love most is that I have no plans for my future, that I am open to what will be and that if I just do what I need to do now then the future will take care of itself.
My focus for next year is building a platform for my children. The life we have today is very different to the one that I had planned for them. I brought them into this world to be part of a happy, vibrant, busy household. To be surrounded by the love of family and friends, to be awash with a variety to role models, to experience life on its widest form. What we ended up with was very different. A broken marriage is a long time coming. Initially the cracks are contained at home, shared only with those we love the most, our children. We put on the faces of happiness and contentment with visitors to our home for a while. We continue to venture out to see others, carrying on the pretence that we are fine, until we stop inviting, stop calling. There's a time when we will still come to see you, allaying concerns that we haven't been in touch. Then we start to shut down, it becomes emails, texts, we don't see you. You know how it is, the children have so much on and work is busy. Meanwhile, we isolate and no longer have to pretend to anyone that anything is fine any longer. We become unable to do anything as a couple, as a family. We become ships that pass in the night, sleep on our own side of the bed. All through this, our children think this is normal. They have no comparison, no benchmark for a family, no understanding that our lack of, and abrupt, communication is not acceptable or appropriate. We have no strength to face into it, unable to work together, we have given up on ourselves and our family. It's a frightening place to find yourself, indeed where I found myself. Then came the realization that only I could change it, that the love of my life had long since given up on me and was consigned to this as his future. Today is not like this. The children and I live in a different house in which I am trying to create a new home. It has been and continues to be an uphill struggle. I am continually reminded that nobody wanted this to be their story, that it's hard, too much, all wrong. I have to hold onto hope, hold it tightly with both hands, remind myself constantly that I did the right thing, that we were broken beyond repair. I know that I have found a better place for myself, that I have remembered how to laugh, to smile. My children are seeing all of me now, which is sadly the bad as well as the good but is a whole person, doing their best. We are going to have a different future to the one that we had at the beginning of this year but eventually it will be a better one. We will learn, we will grow and we will do it together. I am looking ahead and getting us out again, seeing friends, spreading our wings. I have taken responsibility for my actions and the outcomes. I brought my children into this world to learn how to be themselves, to trust that the person they are is who they should become. If I'm not prepared to do this for myself then how will they learn, what hope do they have. The future is ours for the taking but we have to turn up for it.
None of this would have been possible without my recovery, without understanding and acceptance. Without love and gratitude for my past, present and future, based on a faith that gives me the courage and strength to face into each day. The butterflies are ever present but they are part of my transition, my truth. They are there because I can feel them, no longer suppressed into the dark recesses that exist deep within. I am so excited about 2017, a new year, a new future, a new tomorrow.
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