Friday, 15 May 2015

15th May 2015

I sit quietly and allow in the pain, accepting her presence.  Each day she changes, shape and sound but never size.  She is not diminishing with time, she stretches out into the void she has created within me.  We sit together, bound by a commitment to change.  Not by want but by need. 

She throbs gently, persistently, relentless.  If I let her she begins to sneak through every vein and vessel, voracious in her desire to fill, to command, to own.  She believes it is her duty, her right, that I am here merely to fulfil and satisfy her craving.  It can never happen, I will not let it happen.

I am more than this; I am fitter, stronger.  I will fight her, she knows that I will.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

17th April 2015

'One day at a time' - ludicrous, ridiculous, patronising, bullshit.  Yet here I am, six years later, one day at a time, with not a drop of alcohol passing my lips.  Accepting sobriety, accepting alcoholism, accepting powerlessness, accepting self.  Grateful for sobriety, grateful for alcoholism, grateful for powerlessness, grateful for self.  Loving my sobriety, loving my alcoholism, loving my powerlessness, loving my self.

Last night, I put myself to bed, I did not fall into it.  I awoke this morning, as I have done for the last six years with no fear for the consequences of yesterday.  This is my today because of the AA programme and the support of my fellow members.  May God bless you all.

The tools of recovery are there if we are able to take them, to grasp them, to hold onto them as if they were life itself.  For they take us onto the path towards the life that we can have, that I can have.  I have been able to let go of the future by accepting my past and living in my present.  By handing my life over to the care of God 'as I understand him'.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Are these extravagant promises?  We think not.  They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84