Week 36b

I was asked a question about my post last week by a good friend - given what I was moving away from, he was curious to know, what does recovery and living in sobriety give me and move me towards?
I met him when he was a supporting coach on a very good NLP course I went on.  He was very good at reflecting back to me and really allowed me to uncover some difficult learnings.  I very quickly learnt that a lot of my approaches are 'away froms' rather than 'towards', more moving backwards rather than forwards.  It's almost as if I am afraid to look at where I'm going in case I don't get there or maybe it's easier to blame someone else if I can't see where I'm going.  Either way, I have been working on becoming a 'towards' person, it would seem not very successfully!  As a general rule, we do better on focusing what we want to happen rather than what we don't.  Many of us have been told this as parents and may be more successful with our children than ourselves, using the words 'be careful' rather than 'don't break it' or 'don't fall off'.  So, let me answer the question, what does recovery and living in sobriety give me and move me towards?

Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people.  Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life.  Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears.  And moving on, finding a better life.  A life without those fears, without insecurities, without any more mistakes.  Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas.  What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit.  The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing.  That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it can transform me too, that I can become warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine and not forced way, and that one day I too can become lovable.  And that, Mike, gives me hope.  Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed,
certainly not for someone like me.  It fills me with warmth.  From head to toe, inside and out, glowing.  Fully protected without the need for a wall of glass or stone, no need for a shield or sword, no suit of armour, no masks.  To walk out into the world without all that weighing me down, to hop, skip and jump into the day.  That's what I'm moving towards and I feel like a really lucky girl.

Ok, so still a strong smattering, so we go again.....

Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people.  Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life.  Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears.  And moving on, finding a better life.  A life of calm, security and sensitivity.  Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas.  What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit.  The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing.  That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it transforms me too, that I am warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine way, and that I too am lovable.  And that, Mike, gives me hope.  Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed, certainly not for someone like me.  It fills me with warmth.  From head to toe, inside and out, glowing.  Feeling the sun on my face, the air on my skin, the sand beneath my feet and
in between my toes.  To walk freely out into the world, to hop, skip and jump into the day.  That's what I'm moving towards and I am a really lucky girl.
Yes, that is better, we are making progress.

Week 36

Last week I watched the latest release in the Hunger Games series.  It was one of the last films that Philip Seymour Hoffman made before he died of a drug overdose.  For me, the death of an addict has particular significance.  With the still sober addict, it is a moment to celebrate their survival from this disease but for the addict in relapse, a terrifying reflection on the power that it has.  It was made all the more poignant by the fact that Woody Harrelson was in the film playing a known alcoholic living in a prohibition state.  I often wonder if society provides alcoholism with an acceptable face.  The 'heavy drinker' is a well used term, someone who likes a drink (or many) but, to all intense and purposes, isn't believed to be an alcoholic.  They are well known for long evenings at the bar, hangover fed mornings and wasted weekends.  Jokes are told of their latest antics, their smart retorts and even, the accepted gaps in memory.  Not knowing how they got home, where they left their phone, wallet, handbag; all told with smiles on faces.  They get sponsored through a dry October, friends and colleagues admiring them for their resilience.  They may be 'just' a heavy drinker but they may be an alcoholic in hiding, living on a knife-edge.  Their every waking moment looking forward to that first drink when they arrive home, when their day will wash over them, the woes will disappear, the turmoil in their head will calm and clear.  It's accepted as the norm, they think of it as the norm, they only know others who also consider it the norm.
The mental obsession doesn't have to be all day, it can time itself to kick.  In my later stages, I went to the supermarket every day on the way home to get a bottle of wine if there wasn't one waiting for me.  Often I would pick up something else, not to make it look better but just because I was there.  I have a lot of friends who would share their buying across various supermarkets and off licences, aware that they might attract dubious attention.  It never occurred to me that anyone would question why I would be there, it's not as if it was a bottle of vodka every day.   Woody's character carries a drink everywhere, strangely seems to be surviving prohibition very well, just waiting for it to be over.  An addict in relapse is a very different beast.  To have known recovery, to have lived in sobriety and to have lost it, absolutely terrifies me.   The idea of returning to a world that I now understand on a completely different level fills me with absolute dread and fear.  Fortunately, this doesn't have to be my journey and I can work on a different one.  The death of a famous addict brings the message into the media that there are ways of getting sober and gives recovery programmes a chance to be heard with the hope that this can save the life of others.   Through the sharing of experience, strength and hope, this is our way.