Since enthusing about my trusty motorcar, it hasn't been very well. Four RAC rescues, two garage visits, five alternator belts, a new alternator and a new water pump and as I am sat writing this, waiting for RAC visit no. five. Not quite sure what all that says about the symbol of my recovery. There again, you can read too much into these things, or can you?
I enjoyed writing last week. I'd done a couple of shares and felt reinvigorated by the shares I'd had back in return. AA can be such an inspiring place to be. Listening to people sharing their stuff with strangers; the stories of their darkest days followed by the reality of sobriety. I never tire of hearing the miracles that have been created in sobriety, the loving human beings that have been formed from the monsters that we used to be. The love and laughter, tears and sadness that bring us together creating connections and memories that will last for eternity. The first share that I heard, the first share I was ready to connect to, the people who took me under their wing, gave me their time, supported me, listened but, most importantly of all, told me their story in an attempt to help me get, and then stay, sober. The simple messages that come with the very first pioneers, that this programme only works if you work it. Life can only give out what you put into it. I can only become a writer if I write. Yes, it sounds obvious. Yes, it is simple and straightforward and so on and so forth. But I am fearful. Fearful not only of writing a load of tosh but also fearful of becoming good at it (there was a quite good there but I forced myself to delete it). That is what keeps me from these pages, that is what stops me from taking action. Fear, pure and simple. It can grind me to a standstill and, simultaneously, have me running to the hills. And yes, I can do both of those things at the same time, I am only in recovery. I only have today. But, for this day I have taken action and I have written. Because I really want to write. I know that I may not overcome that fear but I may develop the courage to live with it and that really would be progress.