Tuesday 31 December 2013
Week 10
After failing to write last week, I was tempted to cheat and write a combined week 10 and 11 blog as one. However I realised that cheating or taking short cuts doesn't actually get me anywhere. If I really want to do this then doing it properly is the only way. It's been interesting to note that I'm still finding it difficult to increase my writing time and that it's very much a last minute, deadline driven approach that I'm taking. Obviously, I can change this. Obviously, I can choose to write more, even everyday if I choose to. However, that isn't happening and this week/fortnight has been a clear example of that. I have allowed myself to be too busy, too distracted by everything and anything else. I know that this is based on fear. Fear of failing, of my writing not being good enough. No matter how I tell myself that it's the writing that's important and not the end result, I know that isn't true. I really want to like what I write and for it to be liked. I suppose that's because my writing feels like it comes from within me and is therefore part of me. Mirroring how I feel about myself. The journey of recovery talks about acceptance. Acceptance of powerlessness and acceptance of self, are, for me, the fundamentals of a solid sobriety. I cannot change or effect anything around me and I have to truly accept myself for who I am, if I am to find peace and serenity. My writing takes me there and yet, scares me too, for it is putting myself down on paper and allowing others in. Week 10 is about having a plot, a storyline where things happen. While I do have an outline plot, I know that some of the detailed parts of it will be hard to write because they will come from a dark place within me and they won't be likeable. Most of the parts that I have awareness of are the nice bits, the happy times in a life. Yet for the story to work, there will have to be an honesty of what my character can be so that she can have something to transform from. It's that which scares me because I know that will be from within me too, not necessarily what I have done but what I could do, and to be honest about that I will have to let go of being liked.
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I understand what you mean about being deadline driven. I have a mental 'to do' list for practically everything and I find myself feeling like I have failed if I don't tick off every item on it. Someone once said to me that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. It's true. How you are perceived by others is only that - their perception. It's how you interpret their perception and indeed whether it matters to you that maps out your following actions. I think if one can be accepting of other people's views rather than trying to change themselves in an attempt to change what others think then life would be much less stressful. Sadly the workplace culture that we are conditioned to sees feedback and perception as negative, something to be afraid of, that we must change to accommodate others. It's a prime example of power relations at work...
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