Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Week 24.5

Been a bit of a gap, mmm.  Long story, stolen handbag with iPad, followed by too much time at work and 'stuff'.  Two months is quite a considerable time not to have written anything and I have really missed it.  Likewise, it felt like a friend I was supposed to call and the longer I left it the harder it felt it would need to get going.  I hope this is the beginning of getting back onto it.  Given that I get to define my own rules, I'm still in the middle of my ten weeks and have every chance to get back into it.
It has been a good two months, lovely family holiday in sunny Pembrokeshire followed by finally getting back up to speed at work.  I feel much more entrenched in my job, feet back under the table and starting to understand more about creating and owning my stability.  I have realised that I need a base awareness of my strengths, not only in what they are but in how I use them and how successful they are.  I suppose it's about being able to create my own benchmark so that I don't have to rely on feedback and, more importantly, approval.  People pleasing is a major challenge for any recovering addict.  Our complete lack of understanding of functional relationships and the necessary boundary management causes a lot of our problems.  Job wise, I am starting to see that I do have strengths but I need to understand them too.  What is amazing at the moment, is that I am working with people who I know will be able to help me and that is really exciting.  This time, I really want to learn about what I am good at and how to do it more deliberately so I can be my own measurer.  Wouldn't it be an amazing thing to then find a role that actually needed me to do the things I was good at, perhaps that may even be a possibility.
I did write a bit more novel on holiday, here it is below, chapter 2 of 'the Present':

The room's not spinning.  I'm lying in bed, looking at the ceiling and I feel ok.  I don't have to close my eyes again, curl into a ball and wish that it was over.  I really do feel ok.  Slowly I start to remember yesterday evening.   I turn to lie on my side and curl my knees to my chest.  The glass of wine beside my bed isn't empty or smashed, it still has wine in it and I don't want it.  My mouth doesn't feel like I've been licking sandpaper, my head isn't pounding, I don't have an immediate need to run to the bathroom.  I don't want a drink, in fact I really fancy a cup of tea.  A cup of hot, steaming tea.  I pull myself up and lean back against my pillows.  Looking around my room my eyes begin to fill.  I have so had enough of this.  This wallowing in self pity, this misery, this empty nothingness.  I breathe a deep sigh and look at the clock.  6.30, when did I last see 6.30.  I don't know and, as I think about, I can't remember when I last looked at the clock.  I pick it up to see if it's working and it changes to 6.31, it's working.  I guess I could get up, Finn will be getting up for school soon.  As I think that, I realise that I can't remember taking Finn to school recently, how can that be?  Oh Frankie, what have you done.  I put my feet to the floor and raise myself from my bed.  My body aches all over; putting my hands on my shoulders I stretch it out and shrug my shoulders.
 I walk across the landing towards the bathroom and catch sight of myself in the mirror.  This time I don't stop, I know who it is that I can see in it.  In the bathroom, I find the remains of my haircut in the sink, nice one Frankie; Mac would have had a hissy fit at that one.  The tears start as I remember the rant that would come at even a single strand of hair left in the bath.  It wasn't always that way, it really wasn't.   I step into the shower and wash my hair again.  The conditioner glides through; as I wash the back of it, I realise that I will need to get it looked at, I might be regretting cutting it off.  The water washes over my face, the tears now indistinguishable.  I stand very still and close my eyes.

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