Week 13

Very aware that my weeks are out of sync now and working hard on not letting that allow me to stop.  The question I ask myself is "are the exercises optional?"  If I'm the only one that has set myself an objective does that mean I'm allowed to flex the rules to suit myself, did I set any in the first place?  I know that I get things done when I have structure and have discussed that many times before.  Is it realistic to put structure around everything, is that workable?  In our household of 4, there's a lot of timetabling and the free times are precious.  I am a firm believer that balance is the key, so for me we need to have both in our lives.    The free times give us flexibility, rest, recuperation, time together as a family, out as a group.  Maybe we get more of this than other families but I have to remember that this is important to me and why I became a parent.  What I should do with it is pray for guidance, hand it over and let it go.
My counsellor set me a task last week which I actually wrote down, to make a list of positive thoughts that could replace the negative ones.  Theoretically, this should be a straightforward exercise.  Positive thoughts and suggestions are easy to create but listening to them, accepting them, letting them in is another thing entirely.  Watching myself bringing in the home guard and building barriers before the thought is even complete is amazing.  My complete and utter willingness to go to a place of defence against anything is incredulous and so needs to go.  Yet again, I am reminded that the only time that I feel better and find a way of living that works is when I go to an AA meeting.  Maybe coming to the end of my counselling sessions is no bad thing, I have the answer, I just need to put the work in!  Will pick that up with my sponsor when I see her later.