Exercise 19: write a list of all the technical aspects that you find most challenging, then work your way through them, one by one, having a go at each. Do what you are most afraid of.
Given that I haven't written anything for over a year perhaps I should start from scratch and see what it's like just to write something. I have definitely lost my ability to write where I am and connect to self. Perhaps that would be a good start, to be honest, its probably much needed. Hey ho, here goes.....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table, coffee cup in hand, butterflies in my stomach. It's been quite a year. I have a new home, mostly furnished by the love of friends and have the feeling that I've been carried through 2016. I am now separated from my husband who has a new love in his life and I have a future ahead of me that is a completely clean sheet. It is constrained by nothing except my own limitations and it has changed so much from the one that I used to have. I love its blank openness, that it gets bigger each day as I open my eyes to what I can do, can become and achieve. What I love most is that I have no plans for my future, that I am open to what will be and that if I just do what I need to do now then the future will take care of itself.
My focus for next year is building a platform for my children. The life we have today is very different to the one that I had planned for them. I brought them into this world to be part of a happy, vibrant, busy household. To be surrounded by the love of family and friends, to be awash with a variety to role models, to experience life on its widest form. What we ended up with was very different. A broken marriage is a long time coming. Initially the cracks are contained at home, shared only with those we love the most, our children. We put on the faces of happiness and contentment with visitors to our home for a while. We continue to venture out to see others, carrying on the pretence that we are fine, until we stop inviting, stop calling. There's a time when we will still come to see you, allaying concerns that we haven't been in touch. Then we start to shut down, it becomes emails, texts, we don't see you. You know how it is, the children have so much on and work is busy. Meanwhile, we isolate and no longer have to pretend to anyone that anything is fine any longer. We become unable to do anything as a couple, as a family. We become ships that pass in the night, sleep on our own side of the bed. All through this, our children think this is normal. They have no comparison, no benchmark for a family, no understanding that our lack of, and abrupt, communication is not acceptable or appropriate. We have no strength to face into it, unable to work together, we have given up on ourselves and our family. It's a frightening place to find yourself, indeed where I found myself. Then came the realization that only I could change it, that the love of my life had long since given up on me and was consigned to this as his future. Today is not like this. The children and I live in a different house in which I am trying to create a new home. It has been and continues to be an uphill struggle. I am continually reminded that nobody wanted this to be their story, that it's hard, too much, all wrong. I have to hold onto hope, hold it tightly with both hands, remind myself constantly that I did the right thing, that we were broken beyond repair. I know that I have found a better place for myself, that I have remembered how to laugh, to smile. My children are seeing all of me now, which is sadly the bad as well as the good but is a whole person, doing their best. We are going to have a different future to the one that we had at the beginning of this year but eventually it will be a better one. We will learn, we will grow and we will do it together. I am looking ahead and getting us out again, seeing friends, spreading our wings. I have taken responsibility for my actions and the outcomes. I brought my children into this world to learn how to be themselves, to trust that the person they are is who they should become. If I'm not prepared to do this for myself then how will they learn, what hope do they have. The future is ours for the taking but we have to turn up for it.
None of this would have been possible without my recovery, without understanding and acceptance. Without love and gratitude for my past, present and future, based on a faith that gives me the courage and strength to face into each day. The butterflies are ever present but they are part of my transition, my truth. They are there because I can feel them, no longer suppressed into the dark recesses that exist deep within. I am so excited about 2017, a new year, a new future, a new tomorrow.
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Friday, 15 May 2015
15th May 2015
I sit quietly and allow in the pain, accepting her presence. Each day she changes, shape and sound but never size. She is not diminishing with time, she stretches out into the void she has created within me. We sit together, bound by a commitment to change. Not by want but by need.
She throbs gently, persistently, relentless. If I let her she begins to sneak through every vein and vessel, voracious in her desire to fill, to command, to own. She believes it is her duty, her right, that I am here merely to fulfil and satisfy her craving. It can never happen, I will not let it happen.
I am more than this; I am fitter, stronger. I will fight her, she knows that I will.
Thursday, 16 April 2015
17th April 2015
'One day at a time' - ludicrous, ridiculous, patronising, bullshit. Yet here I am, six years later, one day at a time, with not a drop of alcohol passing my lips. Accepting sobriety, accepting alcoholism, accepting powerlessness, accepting self. Grateful for sobriety, grateful for alcoholism, grateful for powerlessness, grateful for self. Loving my sobriety, loving my alcoholism, loving my powerlessness, loving my self.
Last night, I put myself to bed, I did not fall into it. I awoke this morning, as I have done for the last six years with no fear for the consequences of yesterday. This is my today because of the AA programme and the support of my fellow members. May God bless you all.
The tools of recovery are there if we are able to take them, to grasp them, to hold onto them as if they were life itself. For they take us onto the path towards the life that we can have, that I can have. I have been able to let go of the future by accepting my past and living in my present. By handing my life over to the care of God 'as I understand him'.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Last night, I put myself to bed, I did not fall into it. I awoke this morning, as I have done for the last six years with no fear for the consequences of yesterday. This is my today because of the AA programme and the support of my fellow members. May God bless you all.
The tools of recovery are there if we are able to take them, to grasp them, to hold onto them as if they were life itself. For they take us onto the path towards the life that we can have, that I can have. I have been able to let go of the future by accepting my past and living in my present. By handing my life over to the care of God 'as I understand him'.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Week 36b
I was asked a question about my post last week by a good friend - given what I was moving away from, he was curious to know, what does recovery and living in sobriety give me and move me towards?
I met him when he was a supporting coach on a very good NLP course I went on. He was very good at reflecting back to me and really allowed me to uncover some difficult learnings. I very quickly learnt that a lot of my approaches are 'away froms' rather than 'towards', more moving backwards rather than forwards. It's almost as if I am afraid to look at where I'm going in case I don't get there or maybe it's easier to blame someone else if I can't see where I'm going. Either way, I have been working on becoming a 'towards' person, it would seem not very successfully! As a general rule, we do better on focusing what we want to happen rather than what we don't. Many of us have been told this as parents and may be more successful with our children than ourselves, using the words 'be careful' rather than 'don't break it' or 'don't fall off'. So, let me answer the question, what does recovery and living in sobriety give me and move me towards?
Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people. Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life. Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears. And moving on, finding a better life. A life without those fears, without insecurities, without any more mistakes. Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas. What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit. The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing. That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it can transform me too, that I can become warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine and not forced way, and that one day I too can become lovable. And that, Mike, gives me hope. Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed,
certainly not for someone like me. It fills me with warmth. From head to toe, inside and out, glowing. Fully protected without the need for a wall of glass or stone, no need for a shield or sword, no suit of armour, no masks. To walk out into the world without all that weighing me down, to hop, skip and jump into the day. That's what I'm moving towards and I feel like a really lucky girl.
Ok, so still a strong smattering, so we go again.....
Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people. Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life. Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears. And moving on, finding a better life. A life of calm, security and sensitivity. Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas. What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit. The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing. That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it transforms me too, that I am warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine way, and that I too am lovable. And that, Mike, gives me hope. Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed, certainly not for someone like me. It fills me with warmth. From head to toe, inside and out, glowing. Feeling the sun on my face, the air on my skin, the sand beneath my feet and
in between my toes. To walk freely out into the world, to hop, skip and jump into the day. That's what I'm moving towards and I am a really lucky girl.
Yes, that is better, we are making progress.
I met him when he was a supporting coach on a very good NLP course I went on. He was very good at reflecting back to me and really allowed me to uncover some difficult learnings. I very quickly learnt that a lot of my approaches are 'away froms' rather than 'towards', more moving backwards rather than forwards. It's almost as if I am afraid to look at where I'm going in case I don't get there or maybe it's easier to blame someone else if I can't see where I'm going. Either way, I have been working on becoming a 'towards' person, it would seem not very successfully! As a general rule, we do better on focusing what we want to happen rather than what we don't. Many of us have been told this as parents and may be more successful with our children than ourselves, using the words 'be careful' rather than 'don't break it' or 'don't fall off'. So, let me answer the question, what does recovery and living in sobriety give me and move me towards?
Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people. Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life. Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears. And moving on, finding a better life. A life without those fears, without insecurities, without any more mistakes. Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas. What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit. The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing. That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it can transform me too, that I can become warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine and not forced way, and that one day I too can become lovable. And that, Mike, gives me hope. Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed,
certainly not for someone like me. It fills me with warmth. From head to toe, inside and out, glowing. Fully protected without the need for a wall of glass or stone, no need for a shield or sword, no suit of armour, no masks. To walk out into the world without all that weighing me down, to hop, skip and jump into the day. That's what I'm moving towards and I feel like a really lucky girl.
Ok, so still a strong smattering, so we go again.....
Honesty, people who are truly honest with each other, improving the way that they deal with other people. Learning to be honest about themselves, living an honest life. Talking honestly about their lives to now, sharing their insecurities, their mistakes, their fears. And moving on, finding a better life. A life of calm, security and sensitivity. Of course, it's not all perfect, a lot of people go through some incredibly significant traumas. What recovery through AA gives is an amazing support group, a group who are all too aware of how difficult it is living any life sober never mind dealing with extra shit. The most inspirational people are those who, when they describe their past life, you can't see them in it, they seem too far removed from the person they're describing. That's when I'm reminded how it really works, that it transforms me too, that I am warm, generous and loving, in a truly genuine way, and that I too am lovable. And that, Mike, gives me hope. Hope, in a way that I didn't understand existed, certainly not for someone like me. It fills me with warmth. From head to toe, inside and out, glowing. Feeling the sun on my face, the air on my skin, the sand beneath my feet and
in between my toes. To walk freely out into the world, to hop, skip and jump into the day. That's what I'm moving towards and I am a really lucky girl.
Yes, that is better, we are making progress.
Monday, 1 December 2014
Week 36
Last week I watched the latest release in the Hunger Games series. It was one of the last films that Philip Seymour Hoffman made before he died of a drug overdose. For me, the death of an addict has particular significance. With the still sober addict, it is a moment to celebrate their survival from this disease but for the addict in relapse, a terrifying reflection on the power that it has. It was made all the more poignant by the fact that Woody Harrelson was in the film playing a known alcoholic living in a prohibition state. I often wonder if society provides alcoholism with an acceptable face. The 'heavy drinker' is a well used term, someone who likes a drink (or many) but, to all intense and purposes, isn't believed to be an alcoholic. They are well known for long evenings at the bar, hangover fed mornings and wasted weekends. Jokes are told of their latest antics, their smart retorts and even, the accepted gaps in memory. Not knowing how they got home, where they left their phone, wallet, handbag; all told with smiles on faces. They get sponsored through a dry October, friends and colleagues admiring them for their resilience. They may be 'just' a heavy drinker but they may be an alcoholic in hiding, living on a knife-edge. Their every waking moment looking forward to that first drink when they arrive home, when their day will wash over them, the woes will disappear, the turmoil in their head will calm and clear. It's accepted as the norm, they think of it as the norm, they only know others who also consider it the norm.
The mental obsession doesn't have to be all day, it can time itself to kick. In my later stages, I went to the supermarket every day on the way home to get a bottle of wine if there wasn't one waiting for me. Often I would pick up something else, not to make it look better but just because I was there. I have a lot of friends who would share their buying across various supermarkets and off licences, aware that they might attract dubious attention. It never occurred to me that anyone would question why I would be there, it's not as if it was a bottle of vodka every day. Woody's character carries a drink everywhere, strangely seems to be surviving prohibition very well, just waiting for it to be over. An addict in relapse is a very different beast. To have known recovery, to have lived in sobriety and to have lost it, absolutely terrifies me. The idea of returning to a world that I now understand on a completely different level fills me with absolute dread and fear. Fortunately, this doesn't have to be my journey and I can work on a different one. The death of a famous addict brings the message into the media that there are ways of getting sober and gives recovery programmes a chance to be heard with the hope that this can save the life of others. Through the sharing of experience, strength and hope, this is our way.
The mental obsession doesn't have to be all day, it can time itself to kick. In my later stages, I went to the supermarket every day on the way home to get a bottle of wine if there wasn't one waiting for me. Often I would pick up something else, not to make it look better but just because I was there. I have a lot of friends who would share their buying across various supermarkets and off licences, aware that they might attract dubious attention. It never occurred to me that anyone would question why I would be there, it's not as if it was a bottle of vodka every day. Woody's character carries a drink everywhere, strangely seems to be surviving prohibition very well, just waiting for it to be over. An addict in relapse is a very different beast. To have known recovery, to have lived in sobriety and to have lost it, absolutely terrifies me. The idea of returning to a world that I now understand on a completely different level fills me with absolute dread and fear. Fortunately, this doesn't have to be my journey and I can work on a different one. The death of a famous addict brings the message into the media that there are ways of getting sober and gives recovery programmes a chance to be heard with the hope that this can save the life of others. Through the sharing of experience, strength and hope, this is our way.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Week 35
Exercise week this week:
Exercise 16 - find a gap (that bit is easy, as you know) and write three sentences including a metaphor....
In my attempt to keep my writing flowing sometimes this forced structure is quite hard. So, I'll choose a gap moment, write three sentences and keep my fingers crossed that one of them includes a metaphor. I'll probably have to look that up.
The pains were now starting to come in waves, each one drowning her as it flowed through and over body. The time between contractions was reducing rapidly and Frankie knew this was definitely time. Finally, the birthing pool was ready and she climbed into it, submerging her throbbing stomach beneath the water.
Not sure if that works entirely from a metaphor perspective but hey ho. Very pertinent timing though as tomorrow sees the anniversary of my becoming a parent just 14 years ago. I always find it a very emotional day and am really intrigued by how my acupuncture session will go. It's been a busy couple of weeks at work and the weekend has provided a much needed respite. A friend helped me clear out some stuff from the attic last week and yesterday I took 28 boxes of children's clothes to a charity shop. Yes, I did mean to write 28. I had hoped to have child no 3 but it became quite clear that we didn't have the financial, physical or emotional capacity for a third and, while I had settled with that a while ago, I hadn't followed it through. I did venture into a couple of the boxes but the majority of them went out of the house untouched. It kicked off a wide variety of emotions, some good and some not so. It was lovely to be reminded of times past, yet it was also difficult to be reminded of the hopes that would never be. I'm very happy with the two children that I have, they are both amazing and I know that a third would have made it all very difficult. Whilst I am disappointed, I also know that I am truly grateful for what I have and for where I am. Anything else would have created a very different present and today is just right for me.
Exercise 16 - find a gap (that bit is easy, as you know) and write three sentences including a metaphor....
In my attempt to keep my writing flowing sometimes this forced structure is quite hard. So, I'll choose a gap moment, write three sentences and keep my fingers crossed that one of them includes a metaphor. I'll probably have to look that up.
The pains were now starting to come in waves, each one drowning her as it flowed through and over body. The time between contractions was reducing rapidly and Frankie knew this was definitely time. Finally, the birthing pool was ready and she climbed into it, submerging her throbbing stomach beneath the water.
Not sure if that works entirely from a metaphor perspective but hey ho. Very pertinent timing though as tomorrow sees the anniversary of my becoming a parent just 14 years ago. I always find it a very emotional day and am really intrigued by how my acupuncture session will go. It's been a busy couple of weeks at work and the weekend has provided a much needed respite. A friend helped me clear out some stuff from the attic last week and yesterday I took 28 boxes of children's clothes to a charity shop. Yes, I did mean to write 28. I had hoped to have child no 3 but it became quite clear that we didn't have the financial, physical or emotional capacity for a third and, while I had settled with that a while ago, I hadn't followed it through. I did venture into a couple of the boxes but the majority of them went out of the house untouched. It kicked off a wide variety of emotions, some good and some not so. It was lovely to be reminded of times past, yet it was also difficult to be reminded of the hopes that would never be. I'm very happy with the two children that I have, they are both amazing and I know that a third would have made it all very difficult. Whilst I am disappointed, I also know that I am truly grateful for what I have and for where I am. Anything else would have created a very different present and today is just right for me.
Monday, 10 November 2014
Week 34
Frankie:
I guess it's not what it set out to be, you and me, is it? We talked about an idyll, how the countryside would be beautiful, how it would inspire my writing. The ideal family life, just perfect for bringing up children. Fresh air, open fields, a supportive community. How can it inspire me when I'm so bloody tired and so damned lonely. I love Finn, I do, but it's relentless. He's in everything I do. I'm feeding him, watching him, playing with him, sleeping with him, chasing him, reading to him. I fall asleep next to his bed and when I wake up he's staring at me, awake already. There's no break, no time to write, no me time. It's fine for you; your work, your vocation, all fitting in really nicely. Off early in the morning, leaving behind your 'sleeping beauties', the occasional text during the day asking how 'we' are when really you just mean Finn and then home at night, rushing up the stairs to catch him before he drops off. It's not fair, he doesn't need you to wake him up when I've spent two hours taking him through a bedtime routine. He needs structure, it might seem like a regime to you but he needs to sleep and this would work if you would leave it to me. I know you want to be an active parent, to be involved, but that needs to be on his terms not yours. I know we said that we didn't want to change, that we wanted to be different to our own parents but we have changed, we had to. To be honest, I think it would be wrong if we hadn't. I do still love you but I don't know where 'we-two' have gone. Oh yes, there's definitely 'we-three', so much so it's suffocating. The perfect family. Everywhere we go, on our best behaviour, looking the part, the local vet with his wife and son. The county shows, the country fairs, out on parade, meeting Farmer This and Mrs That. And your friends Mac, not mine. There might be a community but it's a closed door to me and Finn. Yes, they were different at the beginning but it soon dried up. I had nothing in common with any of them; the perfect mothers; the career wives; the WI crowd; forced conversations about the weather and keeping home. I tried to make it work, we had dinner parties, people came round, we entertained but there were no invites back, did you notice that? I've never been so stilted, so lacking in inspiration. There's nowhere to escape it, in the city I could lose myself, be something else. I had friends, here I have nothing.
It's not right Mac, not for me.
Mac:
I guess it's not what it set out to be, you and me, is it? I thought it would be great, that you'd love it up here. The fresh air, the hills, the open spaces. What a wonderful place to bring up a family, our family. I saw us in a rambling home, kids running through the halls, friends gathering in the kitchen. Frankie, where did all that go? When did we decide only to have Finn. He is great but I thought we'd have more, I thought you wanted more. We talked about children, not a child. We talked about working alongside each other, my vet practice providing the base for you, for you to write. Why have you stopped writing, stopped sharing it with me? You don't like my friends, their wives. You've no patience to get to know anyone. If they're not right for you at first meeting then that's it, no second chance. How can you hope to make friends like that? I don't understand why you don't want to spend time with people, Frankie, why Finn doesn't have friends of his own. I have to work really hard to provide this house, this home, this life that you take for granted. Do you have any idea how knackered I am, early mornings long days. Weekends at shows and fairs, being the face of the practice, supporting the community so that it keeps supporting us. Yes, I do love it and yes, it is what I always wanted, but at what cost? I never see him during the week, you've rushed him off to bed before I get home, no thought for my time with him. And then there's the drinking. Whatever time of day I get home, there you are glass of wine in hand, the bottle 'only just' opened. The dinner parties ruined by your ranting, your rudeness, your inability to keep your food down. We had to stop having them, going to them, I had to manage my reputation. I still love you Frankie, but I'm not sure that I like what you have become.
It's not working Frankie, not for me.
I guess it's not what it set out to be, you and me, is it? We talked about an idyll, how the countryside would be beautiful, how it would inspire my writing. The ideal family life, just perfect for bringing up children. Fresh air, open fields, a supportive community. How can it inspire me when I'm so bloody tired and so damned lonely. I love Finn, I do, but it's relentless. He's in everything I do. I'm feeding him, watching him, playing with him, sleeping with him, chasing him, reading to him. I fall asleep next to his bed and when I wake up he's staring at me, awake already. There's no break, no time to write, no me time. It's fine for you; your work, your vocation, all fitting in really nicely. Off early in the morning, leaving behind your 'sleeping beauties', the occasional text during the day asking how 'we' are when really you just mean Finn and then home at night, rushing up the stairs to catch him before he drops off. It's not fair, he doesn't need you to wake him up when I've spent two hours taking him through a bedtime routine. He needs structure, it might seem like a regime to you but he needs to sleep and this would work if you would leave it to me. I know you want to be an active parent, to be involved, but that needs to be on his terms not yours. I know we said that we didn't want to change, that we wanted to be different to our own parents but we have changed, we had to. To be honest, I think it would be wrong if we hadn't. I do still love you but I don't know where 'we-two' have gone. Oh yes, there's definitely 'we-three', so much so it's suffocating. The perfect family. Everywhere we go, on our best behaviour, looking the part, the local vet with his wife and son. The county shows, the country fairs, out on parade, meeting Farmer This and Mrs That. And your friends Mac, not mine. There might be a community but it's a closed door to me and Finn. Yes, they were different at the beginning but it soon dried up. I had nothing in common with any of them; the perfect mothers; the career wives; the WI crowd; forced conversations about the weather and keeping home. I tried to make it work, we had dinner parties, people came round, we entertained but there were no invites back, did you notice that? I've never been so stilted, so lacking in inspiration. There's nowhere to escape it, in the city I could lose myself, be something else. I had friends, here I have nothing.
It's not right Mac, not for me.
Mac:
I guess it's not what it set out to be, you and me, is it? I thought it would be great, that you'd love it up here. The fresh air, the hills, the open spaces. What a wonderful place to bring up a family, our family. I saw us in a rambling home, kids running through the halls, friends gathering in the kitchen. Frankie, where did all that go? When did we decide only to have Finn. He is great but I thought we'd have more, I thought you wanted more. We talked about children, not a child. We talked about working alongside each other, my vet practice providing the base for you, for you to write. Why have you stopped writing, stopped sharing it with me? You don't like my friends, their wives. You've no patience to get to know anyone. If they're not right for you at first meeting then that's it, no second chance. How can you hope to make friends like that? I don't understand why you don't want to spend time with people, Frankie, why Finn doesn't have friends of his own. I have to work really hard to provide this house, this home, this life that you take for granted. Do you have any idea how knackered I am, early mornings long days. Weekends at shows and fairs, being the face of the practice, supporting the community so that it keeps supporting us. Yes, I do love it and yes, it is what I always wanted, but at what cost? I never see him during the week, you've rushed him off to bed before I get home, no thought for my time with him. And then there's the drinking. Whatever time of day I get home, there you are glass of wine in hand, the bottle 'only just' opened. The dinner parties ruined by your ranting, your rudeness, your inability to keep your food down. We had to stop having them, going to them, I had to manage my reputation. I still love you Frankie, but I'm not sure that I like what you have become.
It's not working Frankie, not for me.
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